THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
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me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good