When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
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Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
Just how popey was the pope today?
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.