“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
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It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
I love the honesty
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
sounds kinky. i’m in.
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision