I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
You Might Also Like
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog