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Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
prepare for carbonated trouble