ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
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me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
S/o to @funTweeters .
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed