Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
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[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.