I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
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This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.