A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
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I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
Speak now or ever hold your peace
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
Seals are just dog mermaids.
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”