what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
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11: a smoothie I made
me: oh. What’s in it??
11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.
me: and you won’t eat a tomato.
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If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
I used to tell a joke about Lot鈥檚 wife. Looking back, it wasn鈥檛 a great idea.
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I鈥檝e done build a bear several times.
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”馃檲
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
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The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
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COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
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Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
Fortunately, I鈥檓 just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face