What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
You Might Also Like
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
“The Perfect Relationship”
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.