I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
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So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
taking June’s advice to heart
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
Get off my horse you stupid moon
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*