“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
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If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
Is….Is this an option?
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers