Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
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[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
Finally a use for spoilers…
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman