According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
You Might Also Like
I have obtained a hat
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
New menu item
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?