Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
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“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”