There are usually two types of merchants.
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Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
🙋♀️
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.