I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
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I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
“How do you do, fellow birds?”