Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
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I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
I’d rather go liquor treating.
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”