Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
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Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
*limbos away from your hug*
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.