Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
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talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
This kid is a star!
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.