I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
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My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️