Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
You Might Also Like
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣