I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
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5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
Life hack
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
The absolute effort that went into this omg
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days