I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
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Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
I want this so bad
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.