Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
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I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong