There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
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one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
October already? What’s next? November????
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
Name this drama.
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.