[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
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Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
meanwhile over on facebook
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
what it’s like dating me:
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
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ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes