TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
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Raisins are grape jerky.
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.