Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
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him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
Lmaoo 😂
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”