in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
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Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
started wrapping my pills in cheese
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
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