confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
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10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
My neck, my back, my…
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*