When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
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Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
socratic questions
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…