I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
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College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
Herpes is trending, good job people
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?