This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
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My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
She was REALLY feeling it.
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.