Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
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*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
Potatoes were such a good idea
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
That’s what I call a flat tire