Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
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RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
apparently this year was written by stephen king
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
Oh my God.
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath