My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
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my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
Cha-ching is my safe word
My wife has the worst taste in men.
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
I am a gravy boat captain
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
some Old Testament wisdom
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit