Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
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ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
Basically.
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’