I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
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That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
My favorite farside!!
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.