Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
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Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
#oldknees
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.