Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
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criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
awkward
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?