I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
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Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.