[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
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Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.