Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
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The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.