Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
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Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
He is just living hist best little life 😊
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn