Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
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Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
is this store having a stroke wtf
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
sin harder.
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
no one likes gloating
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what