Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
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Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand