I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
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professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
He a real one for that
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
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I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries