Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
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Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
The smoothest fall of all time
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
They’re the worst 😩
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
where the womens at?
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.